Friday, December 10, 2010

Reverb10: Day 5 (on Day 10!)

I am doing two days together. I've been really hit or miss with Reverb and I apologize (mainly to myself) for that. I need to make time to write. UGH. But anyways! I'm combining two days' prompts into one post because for me they go together...

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)


December 10 – Wisdom Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)

I sometimes find myself living in an ideal mindset even when my life isn't ideal. I build things up to be not what they are. I get to a place where I am comfortable and everything feels "right" and then I convince myself no change will occur. I get this way about the studio often. I get so relaxed and "used to" the way things are that I dread the graduating of seniors, the discovery of new activities that take away MY girls...just the general ebb and flow of life.
This year I was forced to let go SIX of my all time favorite students and ultimately 6 of my dearest friends. Five seniors and one alumni who chose a different path. Five partings were expected, one was sprung upon me and broke my heart.
I taught 3 of my 5 seniors last year for TEN years. They were some of my original students in high school and I grew to think of them as my own daughters in ways, sisters in ways and best friends in yet other ways. We connected on the level that they fed my need to teach and create and I fed their need for a mentor. We were for many hours and many days a week inseparable. This is a natural bond that develops between many coaches/teachers and students when you are spending 5 hours a night, 3 or 4 nights a week together. You bond covalently. Your atoms meet their atoms and BAM. A brand new element is formed: the element of friendship. I've said it many times, dance friends make the best friends.
This year I lost 6 of my molecules. (Humor me.) I didn't get a choice, I didn't do anything wrong. I had to simply stand by and watch my molecular structure shift. I felt it deep in my core. My world was rocked and not in a good way. I think the hardest part was that I was expected to just smile and be gracious. I didn't want to be gracious. I wanted to scream and be selfish and pull my atoms back in. I wanted to stand up and say NO. There's other ways to do this, you don't have to break this bond we've all made. I am thankful I didn't say how I was truly feeling because I would have lashed out, out of fear and anxiety.
I let go of my seniors, grudgingly, but really rather easily. The others...not so easily. It's so hard to let go, to release into the universe unexpectedly, someone you feel you've invested so much time into. I really care for the person in each of my students and often find myself working to help them find the best versions of themselves. I had to let 2 girls I spent countless hours counseling, helping, praying for go and I had no choice.
The wisdom I gained from a really rough and tumble spring is simple. All I can do is hold on to today. I can't plan the future for anyone but myself and even then it's a gamble. Anger does nothing and selfish thoughts are best kept to one's self. Not everyone is as honest and kind as they look. Sometimes someone you think is on the same page as you is in a completely different book. The best thing I can do is try my hardest to make a difference and just let it be.
The wisest decision I made was keeping my mouth shut. I never spoke a word to anyone at the studio about how I was feeling about any of the above situations. I zipped my lip up tight. I knew no matter what I said, good bad or in between, it would be fodder for the gossip mill and bring nothing but more grief. I wanted things to remain as calm as possible, remember I was pregnant. I worked really hard at keeping my thoughts to myself. I did vent to Dave and my mom, of course. But they are safe. That's the okay place to vent and release.
It played out well to keep my mouth shut. The best way to avoid being misquoted is not to say anything at all. I wasn't letting anyone know (and still no one knows) how I was really feeling each step of the way. No one could run around and gossip about it because I wasn't giving them anything to talk about. Easier said than done, but I did it. Kate Gosselin said it best..."I take the high road because to me, that's the only road."

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