I'm not sure how many of you know how severe my post partum depression is. Well I guess now, it might just be considered depression since Trace is 15 months old. But either way, it's hard. Really hard some days and other days, it's controlled and I don't notice it.
The biggest issue I have with my depression is a paralyzing fear of the future. When I say paralyzing, I mean it. I'll stay up all night worrying about something that is inconsequential and out of my control. When I was pregnant with Rory, I lived in a constant state of fear of being audited. Don't ask me why. I run my business "above the books" and considering how tiny my studio is, the chance of being audited is like .00001 but still. Logically, I knew it was a crazy fear but emotionally, I never ONCE checked the mail without being nauseous.
No matter how prepared I am, no matter how many lists I make, no matter how much time and care I take to make things right, I live, at times, in a constant state of fear, waiting on pins and needles for the other shoe to drop. The worst part is my head will be screaming how crazy I am acting, I can rationalize all I want but then my inner voice...that exhausted, worn out depressed voice starts whispering and that's all I need to start spiraling downwards all over again.
That all being said, my lifeverse for this year is found in Proverbs 31:25. "She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future."
Isn't that a lovely thought? To be so confident in God's providence, in God's never ending strength and the ability to live your life with dignity that you could laugh easily, without worry for what is to come next? The idea that that could be me is so beautiful.
I love the 31st chapter of Proverbs. I'll be talking more about certain aspects of being a Proverbs 31 wife, the ideal wife in so many ways. But for this year? For this month, week, day, moment...I'm concentrating on being so draped in the Word and protected by prayer that I find no reason to fear the future. I will laugh in the face of my insecurities and I will become a woman whom embraces the possibilities of her future instead of hiding, scared and lonely.