Note the time: 3:33 am. This can only mean 1 thing...Rory was up in the middle of the night. :)
There's a really beautiful video floating around Facebook right now about Motherhood. The premise is that the women hold up a card with a message to themselves, advice they wish they had followed or heard before their first child was born. I find this fascinating! If I wasn't running on completely empty, I'd go find it right now and share. But what I'm going to to do instead is write myself a letter on parenting. Trace could/will arrive any day now and I want to remind myself I'm doing a good job.
Parenting. is. hard. You will be scared but you MUST choose to be brave. You've been scared before and you've survived, haven't you? You were scared at college and then flourished. You were scared of your business and now? Flourish! You will be scared of parenting but I have complete faith that you will flourish! The most important thing is that you choose to be fearless in your parenting. Say a prayer, read a book, ask for advice but above all else choose to be fearless. Rory and Trace don't know you don't know what you're doing. Lead them purposefully and courageously.
You can not breast feed. And that's okay. Stop beating yourself up over it. It is not your fault. It's medical, Kate. MEDICAL. You can't fix it and obsessing over it won't help. God gave you strong beautiful babies who grow just fine with formula. Stop worrying about people's posts on Facebook about breast feeding and just do what you need to do. Bonding happens because a mother chooses to bond, not because of how a baby is fed. Relax and give yourself a break on this one.
The same goes for having to have a c-section. Again, Kate, it's not your fault. You can't control your hormone production. Trust that God has His hand in your health and just let it go. As long as Trace is safe and in your arms, does it really matter how he got here? No. It does not. And he will be fine. You will be fine BECAUSE of the c-section. Trust the Lord. Trust your Doctor. It's nothing to feel guilty about and it's not worth listening to those who tell you it's bad or wrong. You have to do what YOUR body needs, not what someone preaches at you.
Rory learned to sleep in her crib, with only waking up to feed, within 2 weeks. Give her time to adjust to her big girl bed. Don't get frustrated with yourself. She needs time to realize it's okay and not scary. Once she gets it, you know she will be climbing in to bed herself, tucking herself in and falling asleep before you leave the room. She WILL do it and she will do it when she is ready. Keep working at it, you're doing great. Keep hiding your frustrating and fears from her, though. Smile and reassure her but cry in your own bed. She's a big girl now and that's a good, wonderful thing.
Trace will be fine, you know. Stop worrying about not knowing anything about raising a boy. That's why you have a husband. Dave will teach you about what boys need for sports. Stop worrying about what people say about a dance teacher having a son. It's not a law, Kate. God will give you the perfect son for you and Dave, not anyone else. Remember that people try and lighten the mood by telling jokes or making "funny" comments...they are just empty words. Brush it off and love on your son. You survived this pregnancy because of your KIDS, not because of the words of others.
When Trace comes, I want you to take a minute in the middle of the night and remind yourself that you are doing a good job. It won't feel like it, you'll be exhausted and worn down, but you ARE. You WILL. Ask your mom and Aunt Barb for help when you need it. You don't have to be Superwoman. God gave you family (and students galore) to help you out. It's okay. No one expects you to do it by yourself. And really who cares if they do?? You need help and that's okay.
Kate, it will be fine. You'll figure out potty training. You'll figure out the whole big girl bed thing. You'll figure it all out in your own way and that's the right way for Rory and Trace. Let people say what they want, at the end of the day you are pleasing to God and that's what matters. Brush it off, babe, you're going to be GREAT!
Now go get some sleep. You look like a mess!
Remember...NO ONE can make you feel inferior without your consent.
P.S. Take 2 seconds to put on some eyeliner and mascara tomorrow, please. My goodness!